the library of alexandra


We're Buying a House

i am absolutely exploding inside with this news, but i have no way to scream it, so this will have to do.

we've put an offer in on a house on sunday, and they accepted it today! i cannot believe it! i cried all the two hours it took for us to get home; partially because this is a dream that i have worked so hard for and never thought i'd actually get.

the house is deeply within our budget, thank goodness; but it's pushing the limits of commute for my boyfriend, which is unfortunate. i wish it was still affordable to live within reasonable commuting distance of a major city like seattle, but i'm just so thankful that we're staying in the pacific northwest. i'm really loving every second of being here, and it feels as though i was always meant to be here in this moment—in this space. just how things are falling into place, for real—everything i've worked for has culminated in what is happening now.

for as long as i've remembered, owning a single-family home was never really in the cards for me. i expected to eventually own a condo that i'd never be able to resell because that was all i could really afford. i relegated my dreams to apartment living and having to make do for as long as i was alive, suppressing those that might feel too out of reach to attain. thanks to finding my dream-team partner with our shared childfree values, we're in a much better position to be able to afford the house we actually want—together. and it's two stories! growing up, i always thought two-story houses were for rich people and far out of reach of me. but here we are, finding a place that definitely needs some renovation love, but it has so much of what we want. we're willing to work for it, and that's all that really matters. we're going to have a pool? we just have to restore it? what? the previous owners left an old piano that's just out of tune? the same piano i wanted to try and learn before 35? there's space for gardens? are you kidding me? there's so much more... this is the house we are going to have?

i still feel the pangs of care to temper every expression of joy with a moment of comparison, to balance my joy with remembering how privileged i am in this milestone, but i also try to remember that this is healing. i have to allow myself to feel true happiness without justifying everything, because that's what this is all for. it has to be, at least for me.

i find myself in a state of pure joy, a security i haven't ever quite had before. if only i could tell that little girl that everything turns out okay, that someday the things you were told you were never going to have continue to keep coming true. that someday someone will love that little girl with their whole heart and want to build a home with her. that she is worthy, and capable, and driven, and able. that it might have taken a while, but i was able to work really hard, both on myself and my circumstances, and that's paying off. the evidence is in front of me, and we can see it together. i know this would make my inner child overjoyed, and i can't help but be so darn happy about that.

the best part? i can cross this off my list.