Medicate.exe
Finally Being Medicated for ADHD
cw: medication, adhd, ocd, accommodations at work
i recently started medication for my adhd, despite being diagnosed about four years ago. i've had a longer stint with my ocd medication, venlafaxine, which has markedly improved my experience relating to my obsessive-compulsive behaviors. since being on my ocd medication, i've felt a lot better about not just those behaviors but my emotions as well. it made me want to take the leap into adhd medication, and i'm grateful to be in a position to get it.
it's incredibly frustrating to know that for some twenty-plus years i've been struggling with anxiety and depression, treatment wasn't working because it wasn't treating the underlying cause. i was adamant about not taking a stimulant, and bupropion has been an amazing alternative so far. i'm dreaming again; my imagination is flourishing once more.
there are some aspects of how my brain functions that i'm definitely not going to miss, but there are, of course, parts of me that mourn the unrestricted, unfettered version of myself. i struggle so much with executive dysfunction, something i often chocked up to being a ~* creative *~ but never quite understood how to get a hold of. even now, i write this blog post instead of working on a presentation that's due today. my motivation is shot (mostly due to something really pissing me off earlier with work), but if i want to do the type of work i do, i have to medicate. this struggle has gone on long enough.
this feels like an immature realization, but it hurts to know that my brain is something to be wrangled and managed. it's not good enough to exist as i am—i must be quelled, maintained, to be a good productive worker bee. in order to exist within the systems i live in, my output is, unfortunately, the only thing that matters. it doesn't feel fair to want the things that make neurodivergent employees valuable yet cannot handle the extra care it takes to allow those same employees to thrive.
how do you advocate for yourself when your relationship to your employer is on a thin string? at any point, we could lose our jobs for any reason, especially if you live in an at-will state (shoutout to montana).
how do you actually have a good relationship to work and maintain a work-life balance that isn't detrimental to your neurodivergent brain, when others aren't getting those same accommodations?
how do you "come out" at work with adhd and not have a target on your back for the rest of your tenure?
my first week, i saw in slack that someone was quitting because, in their couple of years working at my company, they've only experienced insurmountable challenges as a neurodivergent person with their team and management. they hit the realization that they would be better valued elsewhere than hitting the wall constantly with their team and manager.
it's so good that our healthcare is tied to our jobs, you know?