Leak.txt
i am not doing well.
this is, unfortunately, just part of my story that continues to rear its ugly head over and over again. thanks to some medical issues outside of my mental health, i've had to mess with my medication combination (after months of stability) that has left me reeling from mental whiplash. and while easing my physical medical issues, my brain has decided to revolt rather than help.
what pisses me off is that i've come so far. i've been doing so well, and i have no reason to feel this way. i'm in a loving relationship. i'm housed. i have wonderful friends. i have so much time to devote to hobbies and personal endeavors. even now, i feel as though i'm bragging. guilt. but these are lifelines to me, not vaccinations against pain i can never experience.
i read somewhere once that OCD is a constant state of guilt; that is me, lately: guilt, personified. every transgression, even slight or imagined, are held over my head by that same head. i am constantly holding myself to a standard nobody else is and, while this is manageable with medication, i am losing my grip on the foundations i've built to cope and systems i've created to function in order to stave off a falling off a cliff of my own making. having PTSD, OCD, and ADHD in times like this makes me feel like everything is coming to a screeching halt.
there are some aspects i do not share about myself, partially out of opsec (because some battles are fought silently) and partially out of fear. overwhelm comes with baggage and how people perceive you; but more than that, overwhelm inherently comes with the admission that you have more than you can handle right now. my problem is i just don't believe that's true. i think my sickly brain is tricking me into thinking i can't handle what i know i can.
the reality is i'm a person with mental health challenges that is dealing with a lot that i both talk about on this blog (or publicly elsewhere) and keep private, just like everyone else. in a few months, i'll have been unemployed for a year, the longest period of unemployment i've had since i started working at 15. i'm coming up on a year into a lawsuit with a wealthy company that has me repeatedly rehash deep traumas. my health is beginning to catch up with me. i'm unsure if i'll return to the tech industry at all. my identity is changing as i enter my mid-30s, and i do not relate to those i have in the recent past, who are having children or deciding to have children. i worry about my parents, who are thousands of miles away and have health issues. and there's more. always more.
i do not mean to vent, but i am somewhat of a leaky sieve at the moment. i am both a multitasking go-getter and a frozen puddle, on the floor in tears. i am both a princess who yearns for sleep and a pea layered between the weight of my spiraling thoughts.
all of these things can be true, and good internet subscribers can still expect an issue at their door. 32-bit cafe members can still expect a conclusion to our code jam. maybe doing the work is what proves to us that we're still here; that it's okay to not be okay.